Gone…

This is the last year that I can guarantee that AJ will be home for Christmas. The realization hit me with a ton of bricks recently. Next year he may have a girlfriend and do Christmas at her house or he may decide to build schools in Africa or something and be unable to come home. As much as I hope he will be home, I am preparing for him to spread his wings. Sadly, this last year has flown by so quickly I almost forgot that it was Christmas.

It goes without saying that parents are told all the time to slow down and enjoy their children while they are young. Life doesn’t let you though. No matter how well meaning the parent is. It is just too hard to slow down, take a minute and breathe in the wonder that is your child. This was my last year in school. I am finally going to graduate this month and be able to move forward into a new adventure. This has been one of the craziest years I have ever lived and I feel like my son grew up with out me.

I did FIVE internships since last January. I crammed the last 11 classes into two semesters. I didn’t sleep and I spent more time in the car than at home. At one point I had a part time job and slept even less. I did so much homework that I though my brain was going into overdrive. But I did it. I am about to be done. Its a relief. But I feel guilty and I feel like I missed something..

• I missed my son turning 17. I was working.
• I missed teacher conferences.
• I forgot sign a permission slip or two.
• I made my son wait for fun because I was busy.
• I think I forgot Easter.
• I know I don’t remember what he did over the summer.
• I missed the part where his voice no longer squeaks.

I know I missed so much I don’t remember what I missed. The most important thing I missed was when my little boy became a man. He’s no longer naive or childlike. The magic that once was a part of his world is gone. I was so busy, he grew up and lost the wonder.

Going back to school was important. It was necessary. I had gone as far as I could without a Bachelor’s Degree and I needed to make a change. I knew the financial cost. I was prepared for that. I was prepared for the time it would take. I wasn’t prepared for the other cost. The higher price of my sons last years before adulthood. That price seems a little steep.

For anyone who children are entering the shadowy world of Teenagerhood, slow down. Listen to your child. Love your child and really see them. If you though babyhood went fast, then buckle up, this time it goes faster.

Thanksgiving; a list.

It’s that time of year again. Everyone is posting their lists of things they are thankful for. I decided to jump on the band wagon this year. Who knows what next year will bring or where any of us will be.

I am Thankful for:

1. Having a family that supports my decision to go back to school. Even when I get crazy.
2. My wonderful, weird, and delightful son.
3. Daphne, the Cat who thinks he’s a human and a fluff-ball.
4. The fact that my son is cynical and not rebellious unless I am trying to convince him that Squirrels are the key to finding the fourth dimension.
5. The fact that we can laugh at my crazy theories.
6. My wonderful partner who has made the last couple of years wonderful and new.
7. My mom. There are so many reasons, the simplest being that she is my mom.
8. Almost being done with school. FINALLY!
9. The crazy turtles who live with us. Who knew that reptiles had so much personality?
10. Imagination. Mine, my sons, yours. The world would be a darker place with it.
11. Color. Can you imagine a garden with no color?
12. I am even thankful for the squirrel that is always trying to eat my garden. It means I have done something right.
13. Love.

 

1, 2, 3 or more

Over the summer there were a lot of blog posts about large families. The ones who have more than two children. Some woman were getting negative feed back from community members who really don’t understand or they just feel like they have an opinion that is more valid than anyone else’s. I am sure we have all run into that person. I used to watch children in my home. I took them grocery shopping once. Five children and one me. I got dirty looks from people when I used the really large cart that holds four kids. I gave them dirty looks back. Food is a necessity and if I didn’t use that cart I would have unleashed  four very curious hyper children on the store (the oldest was not yet five). If people in the grocery store don’t want to see children, then they should stay home. I completely understand why parents of  big families feel like they are being attacked. But that does not give you license to attack those of us who only have one child.

I mean no disrespect to anyone with more than one child. But for all of us who have just one, please don’t ask us when the next one will come along. Its exhausting. Many of us have one child for one reason or another. For me, I didn’t want to have another, just for the sake of having another. Especially since I was already a single mom. If I was going to have another it was going to be with someone who was going to stick around. Now that I have found that someone, my child is older. I am older, he is older. We have a good life. Besides, he has a child too. Technically that means we have two. And two seems to be the number society tells us is perfect.

Unless you know the person well, you probably shouldn’t be asking. There might be that person who can’t have anymore or maybe they just had a miscarriage. It’s a loaded question and you might be doing more harm than you know. It’s like asking a person with no children why they don’t have any. There are so many reasons. And your concern about my family is probably misplaced. Many parents of only children are happy with only having one. We don’t feel like we are missing out on anything and neither is the child we have.

AJ doesn’t have any of the signs of being an only child. He isn’t selfish or spoiled or snobby. He is smart ad he knows it, but snobby not really. He grew up in a daycare. I worked in one and he came to work with me. He had thirty “siblings” who lived in different houses. He learned to share and be social. I don’t think he lacked anything in that department. Did he want a brother? Of course he did. But he wanted a specific brother. He wanted one who was only three years younger than him, already potty trained who would play with him. He told me that when he was seven. The window had already closed on that sibling.

The point is, our family is happy just the way we are. We don’t need to be bigger. We are perfect the way we are. All I ask is that the next time you feel the need to ask about the next one or comment on how many children a person has, stop and ask yourself why you need to ask that? It’s awkward for everyone.

Find the Love

It’s that time of year again. I already hear the beginnings of the grumbling. There is so much pressure to find the perfect gift that so many people have forgotten what this time of year is all about. I have already heard it. “I don’t like Christmas because of all the presents I need to buy.” Yeah, Presents are great. I love presents, I won’t deny it. But is that all there is about this time of year?

For the next three weeks the smaller children will be making some variation of writing what they are thankful for on a paper feather or leaf. They will learn a watered down tale of crossing the ocean and the hardships of farming in a wild land. They won’t know about the sickness or the fear for many years to come. And if they learn about the Native Americans it won’t be exactly true. But they will be told to be thankful for the blessings in life. As adults, many people do the same thing on Facebook or twitter. Everyday there are multiple postings of “I am thankful for …” and we will be told about some part of their life that they deem worthy to acknowledge. As this whole process happens they grumble:

It’s too early for Christmas songs.

It’s too commercial. (as they spend hundreds of dollars on presents)

I have too many gifts to give.

Why do I have to send  (insert least favorite relatives name here) a card.

I can’t believe it’s snowing!

Really, get over it. Christmas wouldn’t be so commercialized if we hadn’t allowed it too happen. That’s right every single one of us is responsible for letting this get out of hand. Fifty years ago we would have been laughed at for standing outside in the middle of the night to wait for a store to open. Ten years ago, we would have been appalled at the thought that someone other than emergency personal were working. This situation is our fault and grumbling about it is not going to fix it!

This year  more than ever my Facebook is blown up with people who are too involved in their own lives to care about their neighbor. When did it become okay to say that the single parent out of work is lazy? When did it become okay for our children to mock a homeless man? Love thy neighbor as thyself. Isn’t that a rule? This time of year especially, we need to think about someone other than ourselves. We shop and we throw away and we shop some more. We bicker and we snap at the poor person behind the register. Just because our day wasn’t so great. What about their day? When was the last time any of us thought about that?

Do our presents really have to come from the store? Do we really have to shop on Thanksgiving day?When was the last time you really took stock of what you had to be happy about in your life? Really and truly. Yes, I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food we eat. Yes, I am thankful I have clothes and shoes. But more than that. Those are superficial really. I am thankful for the scheming glint in AJ’s eyes right before he tries to steal my cookie. I am grateful that there are arms to catch me when I fall and I am grateful for the love in my life. Those things can’t be bought. A shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on, a hug, knowing someone well enough to have the spoon ready for their coffee. The real gifts in life.

Someone asked me what it is about Christmas that I love. It’s that feeling. The glowing, loving feeling that something good is going to happen. That there is good and love in the world. For some reason it only happens at this time of year. I wish I could bottle it. It’s that smell the air has just before it snows, it’s that feeling your heart has when you know with every fiber in your body that there is love in the world. Happiness, the look of awe on a childs face when they see Santa and the delight when something magical happens. That is what I love about this time of year. That can’t be bought.

Instead of grumbling, let’s try finding the love again.

Happy King TUT Day!!!!

We have entered that time of year when the war over saying Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas begins. As I am sure you know by now I love Christmas. As of today, there are 51 days until Christmas. I recounted just this morning when I saw on Facebook a different count than mine. Although I love all things Christmas and I constantly distracted by the holiday items in the seasonal aisles at stores, I mostly say Happy Holidays.

Oh I can hear the gasps now.

I ask you why does it matter so much what a person says? There is a reason for the season, LOVE and ACCEPTANCE. It is a season, not just one holiday. There’s Christmas AND Hanukkah AND Kwanzaa; There’s St. Lucia Day AND St Nicholas Day; there is the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor AND National Wear a Plunger on your head day (yes, it’s real). Don’t forget about Thanksgiving AND National World Peace Day. There is too much fear of forgetting where you came from or insulting someone from another country. There are times in which I feel quite offended by how someone treats my beliefs or opinion. But you know, it’s not the end of the world. Honestly, I should be angry that no one wished me Happy Book lovers day on November 2. Instead most people remembered the people who have died in their lives. Books are like old friends. Each one has a memory. I can remember People who have passed on from many of the books and stories I have, Heidi always makes me think of my godmother. SO the two go hand in hand and yet the book lover in me was forgotten. I should be offended. I should be outraged! But I am not.

When someone I don’t know says Happy Holidays to me, I feel good. They were polite enough to know I am a person. I have beliefs and I am special enough to have shared a moment with them. I am not offended that they didn’t know I celebrate Christmas or that it is really National King Tut day so we should walking like a mummy. It’s a greeting that encompasses everything and everyone. 

Now I have to say, be careful tomorrow. Its national Gun Powder day. You might want to leave that celebration for the experts but to those who celebrate it I say HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

 

Holiday Insights: http://holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/november.htm

Who’s responsible?

There are so many forms of responsibility. Everyone has an opinion on what it is, where you learn and how to live up to it. As children we learn that it is our responsibility to remember to put our homework in our back packs. As teenagers we learn responsibility when we learn to drive or get our first job. The church tells us our responsibility is to it and the Bible says it is to God. If you ask a boy scout he will tell you it’s to God and country and Girl scouts will tell you it’s to do their best. So what is responsibility and how to define it? That is the real question everyone seems to have their idea of what it is.

My definition of responsibility was born a very warm Sunday morning in August 1998. Weighing in at seven pounds eight ounces my world changed drastically. I wouldn’t change having him for anything in the world. But it was a change; suddenly at the age of twenty I was responsible for another human being. Everything he needed was my responsibility; everything he learned would be on me. I held his future in my hands. Teach him to be a good man, kind and loving? Or create the next super villain? It is a huge responsibility and one that I hope I have done well. In the beginning it was scary, especially since the longest I had babysat before was eight hours. My little bundle didn’t go home, he was mine. Every decision of the last fifteen years has been made to make his life better.

The flip side of being his mother is that I have had to do it alone. Not that his father hasn’t accepted his part, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to be a parent. My son’s father didn’t have the positive role models that most people have. In fact his own mother didn’t want him. Even now, he considers us his only family. Unfortunately for AJ, the best father he has had has been a part-time one. His father just can’t seem to make the right decisions. He is easily swayed. How can he assume responsibility for a child when he can’t take responsibility for himself? I don’t hold it against him, no one took the time to teach him, to show him or even love him the way everyone should be loved by their parents. Many people think that I make excuses for him, it’s not that. I just understand him better than many people on the outside. Half the time he’s just judged without his story being told.

It hasn’t been easy. Most of the time people just assume that I am lazy and looking for a hand out.  Again, no one cares to know the truth. Society doesn’t care that I have tried to teach my son to work for everything. Society sees me, a single mom, and assumes that I live off welfare. It assumes that I don’t want to work and it assumes I am looking for someone to pay my bills. My responsibility to my son and to myself will not allow these things to be true. More than once society has let me down, the system that is supposed to be there to help people has let me down. When AJ was just nine months old I was laid off. Because I was part-time I didn’t qualify for unemployment and the state welfare system said I made too much to get assistance. For three months while I looked for a new job we lived off my credit card. My responsibility to my son didn’t end with my job, but apparently society’s responsibility to me did. I was able to find a job in a daycare, at least this way my baby could come to work with me. Funnily enough, the state welfare system decided to help me once I found a job. It was at this point that I decided that the state welfare system and I would never be friends. To this day I loathe it. Not because there are people who take advantage of it, but because when I needed it I was denied.

There is a social responsibility to help those who are less fortunate than we are. I have been taught this by my mother from the very beginning. Every year, no matter how poor we were we always picked a star from the Salvation Army tree. I got one present less, but someone else would get a present under their Christmas tree. The bible tells us to help the poor; Mother Theresa felt it was not her responsibility but her life’s obligation to help the poor. The current Pope wants the world to help the poor. And yet those who are really poor are scorned upon because of the few who take advantage of the system. Until you know what it is like to be hungry and to wonder whether or not you will have a roof over your head, it is hard to understand. The problem with the government is that the congressmen have become too detached from the people. They do not know what it is to be so hungry it hurts. Or what it is like to scrape and scrounge to find enough change to buy a package of ramen noodles for your child to eat. For the most part, people sot in their warm houses with fully belly’s saying that something should be done for the homeless. Or that they should just get a job. Until you experience it, you will never know what it feels like. How can our children truly know what responsibility is when we have forgotten our own sense of responsibility?

My son is fifteen now. He is preparing for a life of his own and as his mother it is my responsibility to make sure that he is well prepared for it. Education has always been important so I decided to finish school in an effort to show him that education was important. Hopefully, he will see that there is need to finish school. Although we are just scraping by now, I hope he will see that with the right amount of education our income will increase. It will be nice to not be under the poverty line. I hope that he will see that it is important to be responsible for your actions and life. Although, I want him to know that school and work is important in life, I also want him to know that there are sometimes other things that are more important. In a world filled with due dates and deadlines, caffeine induced work ethics and even less sleep; the responsibility of an adult is to be true to themselves. To take responsibility for their life and their family. Sometimes, eating breakfast as a family is more important than rushing to get to work or school early. Sometimes, $30 is more important in the form of groceries than it is printer ink.

Drowning

There comes a time in every parents life when they feel they have let their children down. For whatever reason, it happens. |I feel this way now. I can’t remember the last time I sat in the same room as my child without yawning. I miss my son. I have been working a lot. So the paycheckwill be good, but when I am home I am so tired I can’t do much of anyhing. All I want to do is sleep. I know he’s a teenager and doesn’t want me around all the time. But I think even ths is extreme even for him. I have been working so much that I barely have time for schoolwork. Which makes me feel even guiltier choosing to do school work and not be with him. In the long run its for the better of our life. I just need to keep reminding myself that. Its hard though with AJs 8 year old voice getting mad at me for working too much. At that time was working so much less than I am now too. Hopefully theres just a couple more weks left. The semester is over in May. I’ll feel better once life calms down.

Happy Easter

Pretty pink bows and soft, yellow chicks. The signs of spring are all around us. There are buds on the trees even though there are flakes falling from the sky. Look close! You can see  the first of the perennials popping through. Soon they will open, yawn and bring cheer to the dismal grey of the old man winter. It is spring! The air is almost warm enough to go without a coat. Everywhere you look there are signs of hope, life renewed, and new beginnings. Now is the time of the new year. Now is when plans for the future are made. Things to do, places to go and people to see. More options abound.

Beware! With the new crisp colors, comes the bane of mothers everywhere. MUD SEASON! Little boys and mud puddles, tadpoles and polliwogs  all love this season. It’s a time to be dirty, to jump with wild abandon, to land with a splash and a smile. It is the time of boots, blue jeans and loads of laundry. Now is the time to remember, and smile and not worry about the mud on the rug. All too soon the mud will harden and bring an older wiser season. One with out mud but just as delightful.

Cotton tails and eggs, baskets and funky colored grass. Now is the time to be hopeful, to be loving and together. Color is sneaking in everywhere. Are you ready?

Don’t tell AJ I told you this …

When AJ was little he had a giraffe that went everywhere with him. This giraffe lasted until he was about 18 months old and was soon replaced by Little Bear. Little Bear didn’t last as a favorite for nearly as long as his giraffe (which we still have), I believe it was only a few months that he liked little bear. He got a Panda that went everywhere. If he couldn’t find it, he would replace it with something else. In this I know I am lucky. Then he got an elephant, a black dog and a moose. These he rotated as to what went with us to places. He slept with them all. Soon he added a giant Christmas bear to his bed and a Roly Poly Ollie, Pikachu, and Stitch. They were joined over the years with miscellaneous dogs. All lived on his bed. At some point he got a 26. For anyone unfamiliar with this particular animal, it’s a baby stegosaurus from Dinotopia.

Enter the pillows. I know your thinking there is no room on this child’s bed for anything more. But there is, or was. Remember it was a loft bed with sides. Had his pillow and he used his giant bear as a pillow. AJ started stealing the pillows from the couch too. He liked to sleep with soft things. For some reason his favorite shirt was a turtle neck. Actually, it still is. I think it’s because they are soft to the touch. He wore this shirt until it was way to small. So my mom covered one of his couch pillows with the shirt. He didn’t want to get rid of it, but I didn’t want him to wear it anymore. This pillow is untouchable. No one is allowed to touch it. It is his and his alone.

After getting the mattress into his room I discovered a few things about my son. One is that he needs to vacuum around his bed badly. The other is that he sleeps with his black dog, elephant, 26, and sock monkey. I suppose my son hasn’t grown as much as I thought. At heart he is still my little boy who likes soft things. His pillow is still front and center, it needs a washing badly. but it’s there with the Pikachu blanket I made him a few years ago. His father found the pillow and made the supposition that we should get rid of the pillow. That is not a fight I want to have with AJ. He can have his pillow, he just needs to let us wash it.

Love

Love. A basic need. It starts in the womb and grows as the child grows. Mother, father, brother, sister. All have a common thread: Love. It is love that holds together the family through the hard times. It holds your hand through job loss and death. Love is there to smile at you when you triumph. Tying your shoes, riding a bike and catching your first fly ball. It is love, always. Love is there when you climb to the top of the slide and it is there in the dark of night to scare away the monsters under the bed.

Too often it is the love of family, friends, and each other that is forgotten. The neglect is often leaves scars that are minute, but there none the less. In our search for the almighty romantic love, it is the basic love that is forgotten. The first love. After divorce, it is often love that keeps us going. The love we knew as babies; Family and friends. Hugging our shoulders and giving us the foundation we need to stand on. It is the love of friends, family that we should remember. Love cycles. Ebbs and sways; like the tides crashing upon the shores of our emotions.

The search for the one, the roses, the ring. Ideals and dreams. It is the love we are born with and into that needs to be celebrated today. Greeting cards and boxes of chocolates are nothing but tokens. Easily found, easily consumed. Flowers grow and bloom. They blossom in red and pink and white. All to often the love that gives withers just as fast. Leaving behind a sad heart. It is the heart that remembers the basic love and bids us to return to from the darkness. Back into the light.

True love needs no tokens. True love keeps its arms open and ready to catch you when you fall. Remember the basic love. The only love; son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, wife, husband. Brighten the days and weeks of forever. Three little words: I. LOVE. YOU.