Gone…

This is the last year that I can guarantee that AJ will be home for Christmas. The realization hit me with a ton of bricks recently. Next year he may have a girlfriend and do Christmas at her house or he may decide to build schools in Africa or something and be unable to come home. As much as I hope he will be home, I am preparing for him to spread his wings. Sadly, this last year has flown by so quickly I almost forgot that it was Christmas.

It goes without saying that parents are told all the time to slow down and enjoy their children while they are young. Life doesn’t let you though. No matter how well meaning the parent is. It is just too hard to slow down, take a minute and breathe in the wonder that is your child. This was my last year in school. I am finally going to graduate this month and be able to move forward into a new adventure. This has been one of the craziest years I have ever lived and I feel like my son grew up with out me.

I did FIVE internships since last January. I crammed the last 11 classes into two semesters. I didn’t sleep and I spent more time in the car than at home. At one point I had a part time job and slept even less. I did so much homework that I though my brain was going into overdrive. But I did it. I am about to be done. Its a relief. But I feel guilty and I feel like I missed something..

• I missed my son turning 17. I was working.
• I missed teacher conferences.
• I forgot sign a permission slip or two.
• I made my son wait for fun because I was busy.
• I think I forgot Easter.
• I know I don’t remember what he did over the summer.
• I missed the part where his voice no longer squeaks.

I know I missed so much I don’t remember what I missed. The most important thing I missed was when my little boy became a man. He’s no longer naive or childlike. The magic that once was a part of his world is gone. I was so busy, he grew up and lost the wonder.

Going back to school was important. It was necessary. I had gone as far as I could without a Bachelor’s Degree and I needed to make a change. I knew the financial cost. I was prepared for that. I was prepared for the time it would take. I wasn’t prepared for the other cost. The higher price of my sons last years before adulthood. That price seems a little steep.

For anyone who children are entering the shadowy world of Teenagerhood, slow down. Listen to your child. Love your child and really see them. If you though babyhood went fast, then buckle up, this time it goes faster.

Feelings

For the first time in AJ’s life I have missed his birthday.

This has never happened before. In 17 years, I have never missed his birthday. Never.

I am struggling with this. I am angry and frustrated.

AJ is spending the weekend with my mom because I don’t want him to be alone on his birthday. His friends never got back to him about coming up for a small party.  I know that scheduling
conflicts happen, but I don’t get any time with him at all. I feel like I am being a neglectful mother. I know that I am not. He probably would have ignored me anyway but its the principle. I have been so busy this summer, I barely get any time with any of my family.

This is the straw that breaks the camels back.

Instead of getting my son a cake, I made him pancakes with trick candles. It was fun waking him up early, because I needed to leave early and watch him try to blow the candles out when he was still mostly asleep. That was amusing. But it isn’t a substitute for special birthday fun. AJ says he doesn’t mind. He seems to be taking it better than I am. But this is one of the last birthdays I get with him and I missed it!

Birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving are the most important days to me. I love making a big deal out of the people I love and I couldn’t do it this year. I don’t like that.

 

I don’t know how but I have a level-headed kid. For all his make-believe play and preference for fan fiction, he is very practical. As you know AJ is taking a college level biology class. I am pretty sure he thought it would be easier than it is, because science is one of those things that he enjoys and understands…at a high school level. I know he wasn’t prepared for the amount of work he has to do or the amount of reading. He isn’t doing as well as he thought he would. And that is okay. We have talked about how its okay right now if he doesn’t do perfect. But he is looking at this class like it is the ultimate decider for his life. Even though I have reassured him that he doesn’t have to figure it all out yet, he feels he needs to. I blame myself really. I am a planner and I like to have an idea of what might happen in the near future. That’s the operative word “near.”

I hope he doesn’t lose his dreams because of this one class. I know he is a smart boy and just like me he tends to bite off more than he can chew. When the class started I told him he ought to take a different class. One that only met once a week as opposed to twice a week. He did this with a full boat of high school classes as well and no study hall. As much as I want him to succeed, I still want him to have time to be a teenager. The amount of homework he has right now is crazy and if I were in his shoes I would have probably started crying by now. The book alone is humongous! I get overwhelmed looking at it. He says it is very hard to read. The only good thing about this is that he will have a chance to retake this in the future if he chooses to.

Sheldon?

When I was in high school, Prom was a big deal. It was just always there. At some point you knew you were going to go. Hopefully, with someone and hopefully you liked that someone. There were some people who chose not to go and that was alright, but it was still there. Junior was a bigger deal than senior prom. That one was for the parents mostly. There were lots of pictures being taken and it was almost always in the gym. There was a big choreographed walk right in the middle that parents were invited to. Senior prom was more laid back and I have to say fun. That was for the students. It was held offsite and no parents were invited. Whichever year you chose to go or both, Prom was a big deal.

I recently broached the topic of Prom with AJ. He isn’t sure if he wants to go. I am worried that this will be something that he regrets later in life. Besides the fact that it is a chance to dress up for the first time. There are once in a lifetime memories made at events like this. He has never been one to go to school dances, but prom is so much more than that. It is an experience. It is a memory. will it be as awesome as hollywood makes it seem? Probably not. It will most likely end being a disappointment and not nearly as awesome as he expects it to be. But it is still a memory that he will have when he is an adult. If anything, it will be a funny picture for him to show his children. He’ll be able to say “I really wore my hair like that” or “I thought I looked so cool.” I hope he hasn’t made or not made a decision that will end up being a regret late in life.

I should be happy that I won’t have to worry about what he’s doing on Prom night. But he is just so responsible I don’t think I would worry…too much. To my knowledge he hasn’t started dating yet. I wish he would. Dating in high school is practice for dating in college and beyond. I want him to make the stupid mistakes now instead of later when they might not be fixable. Or at least I won’t be able to fix them.

I don’t want him to end up like Sheldon, from the Big Bang Theory. There are so many characteristics he shares with Sheldon. They are both very particular about things. They are both highly quirky and always, always have to be right even when they are wrong. They are both comfortable with being different. But I want AJ to be well rounded and less naive than Sheldon. Luckily, AJ is a bit more level headed. I know I am probably worrying too much and he will be perfectly fine in college.

I should be relieved that he isn’t going out and getting in trouble or doing those crazy things teens do, But at the same time I worry that he isn’t going out and doing those crazy things teens do. Being a mother is so complicated!

Trick or Treat

Growing up is hard to do. Even harder when you know what you are missing. AJ is now at an age when the things that younger children get to do look fun. But he also feels like he should be more adult. Art projects are beneath him, unless he’s helping someone younger. Cartoons are beneath him unless he is watching it with someone younger. Having that very young person around give him the license to do things that he perceives as being too young for him. Halloween is no different.

AJ as Captain Hook when he was three.

We are close friends with a family that has four children in it. The second youngest child has adopted us as his second family. Ryder is 5, well almost 5. He’s hyper and rambunctious and everything AJ always wanted in a brother. He’s a little like AJ was at that age. Having Ryder around allows AJ to do things that he normally wouldn’t, like watch cartoons or color.

AJ wants to take Ryder trick or treating. It is his way of doing the fun things he wants to do, while still retaining his adult like composure. I’ve tried to tell him that once he gets to college, all that goes away. Many of the students that go to school with me don’t just watch cartoons they debate them. They also play Pokemon religiously and debate the finer arts of being a Pokemon trainer. But since AJ is in high school, he is under the social pressures that teenagers place on themselves. Trick or treating with Ryder solves two problems for him a) he gets to get free candy and b) no one will make fun of him if they see him. They will think he’s taking his little brother out.

Until AJ is out of the awkward high school years, he will sadly have to live with the social pressures of high school. We all did. But I guess it is a good thing that he has Ryder to help him do those things that are seen as too young for him. We all need someone to help us stay young.

To everyone reading, I challenge you to go out and do the thing that makes you happy regardless of what society says. For me this means I will listen to Christmas music, loudly and boldly…before Thanksgiving!

1, 2, 3 or more

Over the summer there were a lot of blog posts about large families. The ones who have more than two children. Some woman were getting negative feed back from community members who really don’t understand or they just feel like they have an opinion that is more valid than anyone else’s. I am sure we have all run into that person. I used to watch children in my home. I took them grocery shopping once. Five children and one me. I got dirty looks from people when I used the really large cart that holds four kids. I gave them dirty looks back. Food is a necessity and if I didn’t use that cart I would have unleashed  four very curious hyper children on the store (the oldest was not yet five). If people in the grocery store don’t want to see children, then they should stay home. I completely understand why parents of  big families feel like they are being attacked. But that does not give you license to attack those of us who only have one child.

I mean no disrespect to anyone with more than one child. But for all of us who have just one, please don’t ask us when the next one will come along. Its exhausting. Many of us have one child for one reason or another. For me, I didn’t want to have another, just for the sake of having another. Especially since I was already a single mom. If I was going to have another it was going to be with someone who was going to stick around. Now that I have found that someone, my child is older. I am older, he is older. We have a good life. Besides, he has a child too. Technically that means we have two. And two seems to be the number society tells us is perfect.

Unless you know the person well, you probably shouldn’t be asking. There might be that person who can’t have anymore or maybe they just had a miscarriage. It’s a loaded question and you might be doing more harm than you know. It’s like asking a person with no children why they don’t have any. There are so many reasons. And your concern about my family is probably misplaced. Many parents of only children are happy with only having one. We don’t feel like we are missing out on anything and neither is the child we have.

AJ doesn’t have any of the signs of being an only child. He isn’t selfish or spoiled or snobby. He is smart ad he knows it, but snobby not really. He grew up in a daycare. I worked in one and he came to work with me. He had thirty “siblings” who lived in different houses. He learned to share and be social. I don’t think he lacked anything in that department. Did he want a brother? Of course he did. But he wanted a specific brother. He wanted one who was only three years younger than him, already potty trained who would play with him. He told me that when he was seven. The window had already closed on that sibling.

The point is, our family is happy just the way we are. We don’t need to be bigger. We are perfect the way we are. All I ask is that the next time you feel the need to ask about the next one or comment on how many children a person has, stop and ask yourself why you need to ask that? It’s awkward for everyone.

Renew, Rejoice

Spring has finally come to Vermont! It was a very long winter. The exciting thing is this weekend we get into the seventies for the first time since September I think. With Spring comes a lot of looking forward. I think I do more looking forward in the spring than I do at New Years. When you think about it, thinking about the future now makes more sense when the world is coming alive and new again. Last year was a great year for us. There are things I would change, like having more money. But for the most part I don’t think I could have asked for a better year.

AJ and I finally figured out how to make him work to his potential. I know my son is smart, but he can be lazy. He doesn’t want to do the school work. Why should he? He knows it already. I know he knows it, he knows he knows it so why do it? Grades don’t motivate him. Money does. I am not really sure how he is my child. I like having good grades and having the satisfaction of knowing I am smart. He just knows he’s smart. Maybe building his self-confidence in childhood as high as it is backfired. I wouldn’t change a thing though, except his grades. This semester I started paying him for his A’s and B’s. And it worked mostly. He isn’t failing anything and he brought his F up to a D+ which is great. I really hate that I pay him for grades. But it is the only thing that seems to work. He doesn’t get any money for anything less than a B. I rejoice in the fact that he has started working harder on his school work. I hope that next year, at least one report card makes me cringe because of how much money I will owe him.

This summer is wide open right now. I know he will have a summer program with the upward bound program and I would like him to find himself a summer job. That is not as easy as it used to be. Due to the economy, man of the jobs that were done by high schooler’s in the summer are now being done by adults who need to work more than one job. Unfortunately for our children, this makes them appear lazy. But there just aren’t many jobs around for kids AJ’s age anymore. No matter how you look at it, our children are getting the short of the stick. Hopefully, AJ can fin something. I would like him to have the opportunity to learn the responsibility of a real job like so many of us did. We will have fun this summer no matter what though. He really wants to volunteer at the animal shelter. For now it is something we will have to do together. I look forward to that. Any excuse to spend time with my son.

I hope that I can find an internship for the summer and the fall. It’s almost as hard as finding a summer job. Another thing I am looking for as well. One thing at a time though. For now I am focusing on finals and getting through the next two weeks. After that I will be done with school for the summer. I am really looking forward to enjoying the warmer weather and getting into my garden. I know my cat Milkshake is looking forward to joining me in the garden. The outside is beckoning. Let’s go play and rejoice that winter is over!

The Generation Gap

Generations are funny things. You can go your whole life believing that you are part of one generation and then BAM! Some expert changes the time line for generations. This happened to me last semester. My marketing teacher and I got into it about me being in Generation X or not. She was judging me by my appearance. Many people think I look younger than I am. This brings us to the old adage “don’t judge a book by its cover.” This holds true for teenagers as well.

Recently I read an article about how many 14-17 years olds feel like they have a bad stereotypical reputation. I have to agree with the teens in this instance. I know that I have a child who is not your typical teen and that I am a lucky parent. But I also don’t think that the majority of the teens fit into the labels that claim they are lazy or feel entitled. Our technology has enabled today’s teenagers to expect a certain level of easy-going. Technology has made life easier for most us and todays teens are used to that.

Of course, the millenials would appear to be self-absorbed. They don’t know what life is like without Facebook or Twitter. They might know what MySpace is, but they don’t use it. These are things that make us self-absorbed. All we do is talk about our lives and how important we are on them. If I grew up in a world where self promotion was standard, I might be perceived as self-absorbed. With the onset of Cell phones, this younger generation doesn’t know what its like to miss a phone call. That in itself should be mind-boggling to any future employer. Why should they have to take messages, that’s what voice-mail is for.

If there is anyone at fault for pacifying this generation it is my generation. We are the ones who made most of these gadgets mainstream enough to ensure that they will improve. Our children are products of their environment, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. They are worldly and care very deeply. This younger generation is more tuned into the world than any before it. Hopefully, this will help them survive and save the world from the mess that it is. Because that is where my generation failed. We gave up on saving the world.

http://www.channel4.com/news/generation-citizen-says-stop-stereotyping-us

How did this happen!

How did this happen? My baby grew up!

At the ripe old age of 15, AJ just got his first real cell phone. It’s almost like handing him the keys to the car for the first time. A little bit scary, a little bit of pride, and a whole new can of worms. Gone is the time when I will know all. Gone is the transparency that we had. Yes, he would be in his room being a teenager. But the cell phone offers a whole new level of privacy that is really scary. I know I have raised a decent human being. But there are crazy people out there. Until now there wasn’t much of a need for a cell a cell phone. I know the debate over when a child should get a cell phone is huge right now. I think its an extremely personal one. That should be deciuded by the families. AJ got his so I wouldn’t lose him. Earlier in his life there wasn’t a need so much. He could play games on mine if he chose, but to buy him his own seemed pointless. Oh, he will argue that he had one before. He did. It was plastic cost about $10 and the only reason he wanted one was that all his friends had one. That was in second grade. He never used it. It got lost and forgotten. It wasn’t needed.

There are a few ground rules he must abide by. The most obvious is no phone during class! He will get yelled at. The second one is that he pays for his data usage. I don’t mind paying for the minutes. He got the phone for my piece of mind. If he’s late he can call me and I won’t worry. With the freedom that being a teen gets, the apprehension of being a parent gets worse. And hopefully this will alleviate some of it. I don’t want grey hair just yet! The other day he was suppose to meet me on the bus and he wasn’t at the stop he said was going to be. That is when I started worrying. He was able to get on the bus a few stops down, but for the ensuing moments I was worried out of my mind. If he had had a phone, it would have been much easier to resolve and a lot less worry. He got a phone the next day. I can’t keep going through that. I worry too much.

Cell phones are really strange. They alleviate some of the apprehension that comes with growing up but at the same time there is more that comes with the cell phone. I worry about him being bullied threw the phone. Although he isn’t on Facebook all that much, if he isn’t careful about who has his number there can be a huge amount of emotional and psychological fall out. I worry because of all the cyber bullying that happens. So far I don’t need to worry though. He hasn’t downloaded twitter or Facebook yet. In fact the first thing he did was go through the Play Store to find games. He has just discovered that data is expensive. In the few short hours he has had it, he went through a lot of data. Hopefully now he will understand why I am not paying for his data.

So what did my child end up with? Well, he loves his iPod and his Mac Book so I did the obvious thing and got him a Samsung Galaxy Centura. HA! He has to totally learn all the controls. iPhone’s are way too expensive. Being a single mom there is just no way that I can give him that. Especially since this is a pay as you go phone. Plans are way to expensive. It is more cost effective for me to get us pay as you go. I spend half of what I would if I went with a plan. I have been researching this for about a year now. I like Samsung and the prices are decent if you don’t want the latest Galaxy.

I feel so old! He’s not allowed to learn to drive!

Too Lazy to be smart?

Recently, I read an article about how the current generation is becoming lazy. I wish I could remember the title or even where I found it. It is a huge possibility that I found it on the Huffington Post. The gist of the article was that the generation that is in high school now is too lazy. Too lazy to want independence. Too lazy to do the work for a driver’s license or to buy their own car. They don’t mind being dropped off at school or parties by their parents. The things that embarrassed us enough to want to be independent don’t faze this generation. That was the gist of the article.

I happen to disagree. I think that this current generation is so unsure of the future they are clinging to the safety of their parents. Right now, we are facing serious problems within our government and today’s teens are aware of what is going on. Most of them have had a class in which they have to follow current events or elections. Some have had to write to their Congressmen. Everywhere you look there is news about what is happening in our country and in our world. And in a society that is as technologically connected as ours it is no wonder that our children are more aware of what is going on in the world. I have political debates with my son often. This past weekend we argued about the importance of voting. Unfortunately, and don’t tell him I said this, I see and agree with his argument. Why would you want to vote for someone you know is corrupted, lying and so disconnected from every day life? Why? He knows that the politicians are distant and corrupt. He sometimes surprises me with how much he knows about current events. He was able to relate politicians today to those representatives sent to England before the revolution. His argument was a good one and I don’t think I was able to convince to vote… yet.

The financial future for our children is uncertain. In fact the future is uncertain. The government may shut down because the people in power are too pig-headed to get their heads out of their asses. As a consumer, I am very careful about what my money is spent on. I know many other parents who feel the same way. Our children are sensing the caution and acting in similar fashion. Not to mention, gas is super expensive. When I got my license gas was about $.90 a gallon. I don’t know many teens who can afford to buy a car, pay the insurance and gas while still in school. McDonald’s does not pay them that much.

So yes, the new generation is dependent on their parents for rides. But they all do. Why would it be embarrassing for one if they all need to . Not because they want to but because they can’t afford to do otherwise. The same goes for living at home. While they are in college it might be more prudent to allow the student to live at home. Tuition, books and food are all extremely costly. My own tuition is sky-high and books… lets just say I am glad I have an e-reader. If we want our children to be independent then we need to fix the economy. Until then or until they are done with school and have very high paying jobs (hopefully) I don’t see it coming. But it is definitely not laziness that keeps them home.